Guest Post: Match.com?
It’s that time of the year again. Time for a very special guest post by none other than my best friend and fellow Little Monster, Jimmy. He’s officially gone off the deep-end with this one. Take it away, sir!
“Alyssa asked me to write another guest post on her blog and, this time, I decided to write about why all of you single males out there should date her.
Wanted: Single Male
Age: 25 – Filthy Rich
Those with allergies to the following need not apply:
Caution Tape, Leather, Chicken Parm, Jimmy
The following names can move right to the front of the line:
Ryan Gosling, Jimmy, and that is all.
I had a few problems when I sat down to write, so I thought it best to list them for you:
1. There isn’t enough time in the day.
2. I didn’t want to get arthritis.
3. To write about Alyssa, it is best to draw inspiration from photos and the only ones I have of her are NSFW.
4. I’m selfish and want to keep her all to myself.
I didn’t know where to start with a “single and looking” advertisement because I’ve never really done one myself. It has just never really been a problem for me, for obvious reasons. So the first thing I did was go to Craigslist, naturally, to make sure that she hadn’t already posted an ad without my consent. Little did I know, she has been doing some Craigslist-matchmaking of her own behind my back!
Below you will find some of the ads that sound to me like they came straight out of the horse’s mouth. The horse, in this case, being Alyssa.
“Looking for a LTR or a Sweet Curvy Long-term Sugarbabby? Visit curvysouthernbelle.weebly.com Now!! Pics and much more! Dont Wait, Go Now!!”
“Hello, How are you all? I am looking for a long term relationship! You must be good looking, fun, classy and generous. Maybe we can meet tonight and have a wonderful times! Looking forward to hear from you!”
“Pleasant large lady looking for large man for LTR. Prefer full-bodied gentlemen … no skinnies. Good person, creative, gentle. Seeking same. Please send photo. No creeps.”
“WRE IS 1 GOOD UNATACHED WORKING BIG MAN WITH A CAR A REAL NEED FOR A REAL LONG TERM REALATIONSHIP. WITH A GOOD WORKING LADY. DONT WANT NO CHEEP ASS MAN NO 1 NITE STAND LIKE TO BE ROMANTIC MOLD ME INTO WHAT YOU WANT AS A WOMAN AND LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH EASYER FOR YEAH I COOK ANY WAY ITS NEVER TO LATE TO GET STARTED ON ROMANCE ILL IM HERE FOR YOU WIN FOR LIFE”
If those ads don’t have you all banging down her door, then perhaps this picture will:
Have you ever seen someone look so good in black lipstick? (Besides me.)
Here are some things you should probably know about my boo-boo before you decide to put a ring on it:
(I’m all about the lists today.)
1. She will do anything for bowl of Penne Ala Vodka. And I mean anything.
2. She can easily split an entire pizza with one person. And an order of garlic bread. And still have room for cupcakes.
3. Caution Tape is the only accessory she will ever need. And she. Can. Work. It.
4. She knows the dance to “Bad Romance” and if you don’t? You can GTFO.
5. She will only go on a date with you if you are taking her to Carmine’s or Bora Bora.
6. One word: baguettes.
All inquiries will go through me. I will be screening potential mates all next week. Interviews will be held on the 6:03PM Trenton Express from Penn Station or the 7:12AM NY Express Train from Trenton Transit Center.
Buyers beware. Her bite is worse than her bark.”